the chaplet by Saki The New York Enterprise sent H. B. Calloway as special correspondent to the Russo-Japanese-Portsmouth war. For two months Calloway hung about Yokohama and Tokio, shaking dice with the other correspondents for drinks of rickshaws - oh, no, that's something to ride in; anyhow, he wasn't earning the salary that his paper was paying him. But that was not Calloway's fault. The little brown men who held the strings of Fate between their fingers were not ready for the readers of the Enterprise to season their breakfast bacon and eggs with the battles of the descendants of the gods. But soon the column of correspondents that were to go out with the First Army tightened their field-glass belts and went down to the Yalu with Kuroki. Calloway was one of these. Now, this is no history of the battle of the Yalu River. That has been told in detail by the correspondents who gazed at the shrapnel smoke rings from a distance of three miles. But, for justice's sake, let it be understood that the Japanese commander prohibited a nearer view. Calloway's feat was accomplished before the battle. What he did was to furnish the Enterprise with the biggest beat of the war. That paper published exclusively and in detail the news of the attack on the lines of the Russian General on the same day that it was made. No other paper printed a word about it for two days afterward, except a London paper, whose account was absolutely incorrect and untrue. Calloway did this in face of the fact that General Kuroki was making his moves and living his plans with the profoundest secrecy, as far as the world outside his camps was concerned. The correspondents were forbidden to send out any news whatever of his plans; and every message that was allowed on the wires was censored - with rigid severity. The correspondent for the London paper handed in a cablegram describing, Kuroki's plans; but as it was wrong from beginning to end the censor grinned and let it go through. So, there they were - Kuroki on one side of the Yalu with forty-two thousand infantry, five thousand cavalry, and one hundred and twenty-four guns. On the other side, Zassulitch waited for him with only twenty-three thousand men, and with a long stretch of river to guard. And Calloway had got hold of some important inside information that he knew would bring the Enterprise staff around a cablegram as thick as flies around a Park Row lemonade stand. If he could only get that message past the censor - the new censor who had arrived and taken his post that day! Calloway did the obviously proper thing. He lit his pipe and sat down on a gun carriage to think it over. And there we must leave him; for the rest of the story belongs to Vesey, a sixteen-dollar-a-week reporter on the Enterprise. Calloway's cablegram was handed to the managing editor at four o'clock in the afternoon. He read it three times; and then drew a pocket mirror from a pigeon-hole in his desk, and looked at his reflection carefully. Then he went over to the desk of Boyd, his assistant (he usually called Boyd when he wanted him), and laid the cablegram before him. "It's from Calloway," he said. "See what you make of it." The message was dated at Wi-ju, and these were the words of it: Foregone preconcerted rash witching goes muffled rumour mine dark silent unfortunate richmond existing great hotly brute select mooted parlous beggars ye angel incontrovertible. Boyd read it twice. "It's either a cipher or a sunstroke," said he. "Ever hear of anything like a code in the office - a secret code?" asked the m. e., who had held his desk for only two years. Managing editors come and go. "None except the vernacular that the lady specials write in," said Boyd. "Couldn't be an acrostic, could it?" "I thought of that," said the m. e., "but the beginning letters contain only four vowels. It must be a code of some sort." "Try em in groups," suggested Boyd. "Let's see - 'Rash witching goes' - not with me it doesn't. 'Muffled rumour mine' - must have an underground wire. 'Dark silent unfortunate richmond' - no reason why he should knock that town so hard. 'Existing great hotly' - no it doesn't pan out I'll call Scott." The city editor came in a hurry, and tried his luck. A city editor must know something about everything; so Scott knew a little about cipher-writing. "It may be what is called an inverted alphabet cipher," said he. "I'll try that. 'R' seems to be the oftenest used initial letter, with the exception of 'm.' Assuming 'r' to mean 'e', the most frequently used vowel, we transpose the letters - so." Scott worked rapidly with his pencil for two minutes; and then showed the first word according to his reading - the word "Scejtzez." "Great!" cried Boyd. "It's a charade. My first is a Russian general. Go on, Scott." "No, that won't work," said the city editor. "It's undoubtedly a code. It's impossible to read it without the key. Has the office ever used a cipher code?" "Just what I was asking," said the m.e. "Hustle everybody up that ought to know. We must get at it some way. Calloway has evidently got hold of some- thing big, and the censor has put the screws on, or he wouldn't have cabled in a lot of chop suey like this." A strange stillness hung over the restaurant; it was one of those rare moments when the orchestra was not discoursing the strains of the Ice-cream Sailor waltz. "Did I ever tell you," asked Clovis of his friend, "the tragedy of music at mealtimes? "It was a gala evening at the Grand Sybaris Hotel, and a special dinner was being served in the Amethyst dining-hall. The Amethyst dining-hall had almost a European reputation, especially with that section of Europe which is historically identified with the Jordan Valley. Its cooking was beyond reproach, and its orchestra was sufficiently highly salaried to be above criticism. Thither came in shoals the intensely musical and the almost intensely musical, who are very many, and in still greater numbers the merely musical, who know how Tschaikowsky's name is pronounced and can recognize several of Chopin's nocturnes if you give them due warning; these eat in the nervous, detached manner of roebuck feeding in the open, and keep anxious ears cocked towards the orchestra for the first hint of a recognizable melody. " 'Ah, yes, Pagliacci,' they murmur, as the opening strains follow hot upon the soup, and if no contradiction is forthcoming from any better-informed quarter they break forth into subdued humming by way of supplementing the efforts of the musicians. Sometimes the melody starts on level terms with the soup, in which case the banqueters contrive somehow to hum between the spoonfuls; the facial expression of enthusiasts who are punctuating potage St. Germain with Pagliacci is not beautiful, but it should be seen by those who are bent on observing all sides of life. One cannot discount the unpleasant things of this world merely by looking the other way. "In addition to the aforementioned types the restaurant was patronized by a fair sprinkling of the absolutely non-musical; their presence in the dining-hall could only be explained on the supposition that they had come there to dine. "The earlier stages of the dinner had worn off. The wine lists had been consulted, by some with the blank embarrassment of a school-boy suddenly called on to locate a Minor Prophet in the tangled hinterland of the Old Testament, by others with the severe scrutiny which suggests that they have visited most of the higher-priced wines in their own homes and probed their family weaknesses. The diners who chose their wine in the latter fashion always gave their orders in a penetrating voice, with a plentiful garnishing of stage directions. By insisting on having your bottle pointing to the north when the cork is being drawn, and calling the waiter Max, you may induce an impression on your guests which hours of laboured boasting might be powerless to achieve. For this purpose, however, the guests must be chosen as carefully as the wine. "Standing aside from the revellers in the shadow of a massive pillar was an interested spectator who was assuredly of the feast, and yet not in it. Monsieur Aristide Saucourt was the chef of the Grand Sybaris Hotel, and if he had an equal in his profession he had never acknowledged the fact. In his own domain he was a potentate, hedged around with the cold brutality that Genius expects rather than excuses in her children; he never forgave, and those who served him were careful that there should be little to forgive. In the outer world, the world which devoured his creations, he was an influence; how profound or how shallow an influence he never attempted to guess. It is the penalty and the safeguard of genius that it computes itself by troy weight in a world that measures by vulgar hundredweights. Once in a way the great man would be seized with a desire to watch the effect of his master-efforts, just as the guiding brain of Krupp's might wish at a supreme moment to intrude into the firing line of an artillery duel. And such an occasion was the present. For the first time in the history of the Grand Sybaris Hotel, he was presenting to its guests the dish which he had brought to that pitch of perfection which almost amounts to scandal. Canetons a la mode d'Ambleve. In thin gilt lettering on the creamy white of the menu how little those words conveyed to the bulk of the imperfectly educated diners. And yet how much specialized effort had been lavished, how much carefully treasured lore had been ungarnered, before those six words could be written. In the Department of Deux-Sevres ducklings had lived peculiar and beautiful lives and died in the odour of satiety to furnish the main theme of the dish; champignons, which even a purist for Saxon English would have hesitated to address as mushrooms, had contributed their languorous atrophied bodies to the garnishing, and a sauce devised in the twilight reign of the Fifteenth Louis had been summoned back from the imperishable past to take its part in the wonderful confection. Thus far had human effort laboured to achieve the desired result; the rest had been left to human genius - the genius of Aristide Saucourt. "And now the moment had arrived for the serving of the great dish, the dish which world-weary Grand Dukes and market-obsessed money magnates counted among their happiest memories. And at the same moment something else happened. The leader of the highly salaried orchestra placed his violin caressingly against his chin, lowered his eyelids, and floated into a sea of melody. " 'Hark!' said most of the diners, 'he is playing "The Chaplet." ' "They knew it was 'The Chaplet' because they had heard it played at luncheon and afternoon tea, and at supper the night before, and had not had time to forget. " 'Yes, he is playing "The Chaplet," ' they reassured one another. The general voice was unanimous on the subject. The orchestra had already played it eleven times that day, four times by desire and seven times from force of habit, but the familiar strains were greeted with the rapture due to a revelation. A murmur of much humming rose from half the tables in the room, and some of the more overwrought listeners laid down knife and fork in order to be able to burst in with loud clappings at the earliest permissible moment. "And the Canetons a la mode d'Ambleve? In stupefied, sickened wonder Aristide watched them grow cold in total neglect, or suffer the almost worse indignity of perfunctory pecking and listless munching while the banqueters lavished their approval and applause on the music-makers. Calves' liver and bacon, with parsley sauce, could hardly have figured more ignominiously in the evening's entertainment. And while the master of culinary art leaned back against the sheltering pillar, choking with a horrible brain-searing rage that could find no outlet for its agony, the orchestra leader was bowing his acknowledgments of the hand-clappings that rose in a storm around him. Turning to his colleagues he nodded the signal for an encore. But before the violin had been lifted anew into position there came from the shadow of the pillar an explosive negative. " 'Noh! Noh! You do not play thot again!' "The musician turned in furious astonishment. Had he taken warning from the look in the other man's eyes he might have acted differently. But the admiring plaudits were ringing in his ears, and he snarled out sharply, 'That is for me to decide.' " 'Noh! You play thot never again,' shouted the chef, and the next moment he had flung himself violently upon the loathed being who had supplanted him in the world's esteem. A large metal tureen, filled to the brim with steaming soup, had just been placed on a side table in readiness for a late party of diners; before the waiting staff or the guests had time to realize what was happening, Aristide had dragged his struggling victim up to the table and plunged his head deep down into the almost boiling contents of the tureen. At the further end of the room the diners were still spasmodically applauding in view of an encore. "Whether the leader of the orchestra died from drowning by soup, or from the shock to his professional vanity, or was scalded to death, the doctors were never wholly able to agree. Monsieur Aristide Saucourt, who now lives in complete retirement, always inclined to the drowning theory." . He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good. Confucius I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty... But I am too busy thinking about myself. Edith Sitwell  Life is a long lesson in humility. James M. Barrie Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend. Jules Renard Modesty is a shining light; it prepares the mind to receive knowledge, and the heart for truth. Madam Guizot I am no more humble than my talents require. Oscar Levant If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. Ted Turner Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion. Kate Reid I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions. Dorothy Day I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. John Locke Strong reasons make strong actions. William Shakespeare Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half. John Wanamaker You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. Norman Douglas Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Thomas Jefferson I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Thomas Jefferson What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. Vilhjalmur Stefansson Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. Aesop It is very difficult to live among people you love and hold back from offering them advice. Anne Tyler People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. Brendan Francis Ask advice only of your equals. Danish Proverb Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it. Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950), Letters Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present. English Proverb Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. Erica Jong I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. G. K. Chesterton Never give advice unless asked. German Proverb Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. Gordon R. Dickson The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right. Hannah Whitall Smith I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry S Truman   Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble. Sidney J. Harris In giving advice, seek to help, not please your friend. Solon Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. Spanish Proverb Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. Benjamin Franklin To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. Bernard M. Baruch   Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength. Betty Friedan There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you. Carol Matthau Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you. Cyril Connolly The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in 70 or 80 years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all. Doris Lessing The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. Doug Larson Though it sounds absurd, it is true to say I felt younger at sixty than I felt at twenty. Ellen Glasgow The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. Frank Lloyd Wright Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age. George Burns   I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. George Burns   About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age. Gloria Pitzer   Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken . My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli   It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. Charles Baudelaire Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. Cullen Hightower We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us. Francois de La Rochefoucauld If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. Lyndon B. Johnson I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. Marshall McLuhan If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. Mo Udall Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde The greatest mistake is trying to be more agreeable than you can be. Walter Bagehot When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary. William Wrigley Jr. America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. Arnold Toynbee  There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. Bill Clinton   America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. Bobcat Goldthwaite There's the country of America, which you have to defend, but there's also the idea of America. America is more than just a country, it's an idea. An idea that's supposed to be contagious. Bono There is nothing wrong with America that the faith, love of freedom, intelligence and energy of her citizens cannot cure. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. Frank Zappa England and America are two countries separated by a common language. George Bernard Shaw America is a young country with an old mentality. George Santayana America has never been an empire. We may be the only great power in history that had the chance, and refused – preferring greatness to power and justice to glory. George W. Bush America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. George W. Bush America will never run... And we will always be grateful that liberty has found such brave defenders. George W. Bush In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is. Gertrude Stein   What's right about America is that although we have a mess of problems, we have great capacity - intellect and resources - to do some thing about them. Henry Ford II This is the story of America. Everybody's doing what they think they're supposed to do. Jack Kerouac In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything. Jeffery F. Chamberlain America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy. There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class. Judith Martin, The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. King Edward VIII Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. Cherie Carter-Scott When anger rises, think of the consequences. Confucius If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.' When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods. Epictetus Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last. Greg Evans Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. Henry Ward Beecher Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. Laurence J. Peter Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change. Malcolm X I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry. Maxine Waters My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. Cathy Ladman He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument. Chinese Proverb I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry Use soft words and hard arguments. English Proverb The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. Friedrich Nietzsche   The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion. G. K. Chesterton No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. Jascha Heifetz If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself. Joseph Farrell Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. Josh Billings Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Louis D. Brandeis Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing. Oscar Wilde It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. Pierre Beaumarchais In a heated argument we are apt to lose sight of the truth. Publilius Syrus The argument is at an end. Saint Augustine It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. William G. McAdoo With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plea; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost. William Lloyd Garrison For they are yet ear-kissing arguments. William Shakespeare   [Abstract art is] a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Al Capp Art is the imposing of a pattern on experience, and our aesthetic enjoyment is recognition of the pattern. Alfred North Whitehead Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in. Amy Lowell Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better. Andre Gide Let each man exercise the art he knows. Aristophanes I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none. Ben Shahn So you see, imagination needs moodling - long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. Brenda Ueland I suppose no matter what I'm drawing, there will always be some sort of question in my mind about it. A work of art (even cartoon art)is never really finished; it is abandoned. Brooke McEldowney, I can't criticize what I don't understand. If you want to call this art, you've got the benefit of all my doubts. Charles Rosin, Art is born of the observation and investigation of nature. Cicero Art forms of the past were really considered elitist. Bach did not compose for the masses, neither did Beethoven. It was always for patrons, aristocrats, and royalty. Now we have a sort of democratic version of that, which is to say that the audience is so splintered in its interests. David Cronenberg, Rocketboom, The idea of a mass audience was really an invention of the Industrial Revolution. David Cronenberg, I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. Duke Ellington Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake. E. M. Forster Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before. Edith Wharton Art is on the side of the oppressed. Think before you shudder at the simplistic dictum and its heretical definition of the freedom of art. For if art is freedom of the spirit, how can it exist within the oppressors? Edith Wharton A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world. Edmond de Goncourt Illusions are art, for the feeling person, and it is by art that you live, if you do. Elizabeth Bowen Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything. Eugene Delacroix Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. Frank Zappa I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration. Frida Kahlo Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere. G. K. Chesterton A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright   I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic. Lisa Alther, Kinflicks, Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about. Lynn Johnston A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. Patricia Neal Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives. William James The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. William James   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. E. Joseph Cossman A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. John Cage I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful. John Constable Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together. Petrarch When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. R. Buckminster Fuller Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. Albert Einstein   This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop. Alfred Hitchcock Bülent Göksal   EnglishEver © 2008