April Fool’s Day by Pete Humphreys  Danny Applewhite was developing into a rather arrogant young man. True, he was among the top five achievers at his school, but he was the only one of them who would regularly remind the other 150 students at St. Cuthbert’s of this fact. Yes, he was a keen mountaineer, probably the best for his age in the county, but he sometimes forgot to thank those people who guided, supported or dragged him up towards his latest peak. Danny’s artwork was proudly displayed along school corridors but the minute anyone stopped him to say ‘well done’ he would tell the viewer not to get too close to his designs, in case they damaged them somehow. It was late March and Danny was studying the flowers on the route between his parents’ house and school. Rollo lived next door and because their parents were friends Danny was forced to walk in with him. Rollo was not like Danny at all. That morning Danny had been forced to wait while his classmate found the correct books, clothes and sportswear from those littering the messy bedroom floor. In comparison, Danny always packed his briefcase the night before, carefully arranging his pocket computer, homework and the sandwiches made by his mum to strict organic specifications. ‘What are these ones Danny?’ asked Rollo, pointing to some tall plants with yellow, shell-like heads. ‘Ah,’ said Danny, pausing, as if extracting the name from a locked box deep inside his brain, ‘they’re Vanillius Seasidicus.’ ‘Really,’ said Rollo, impressed, as usual, by his friend. Danny swung his briefcase happily, deflecting some Spring sunshine into Rollo’s wide eyes, and thought how easy it was to fool people who didn’t read books. Poor Rollo, perhaps one day he would catch up. Until he did Danny would make sure his parents always told Rollo he was out if he called for Danny in the evening. When they arrived at the sandstone wall that marked the edge of the school grounds, Rollo adjusted his glasses in that nervous way of his, and Danny, anticipating the question, had time to prepare his excuse. ‘Meet you for lunch?’ ‘I can’t Rollo,’ and while speaking Danny touched his nose to suggest some kind of mystery, ‘ things to do. I’m booked into the technology lab.’ They parted at the elaborate school gates. Made of iron, the ornamental spikes that topped the gates had already punctured some unfortunate footballs that now sat there like cartoon heads. Danny shook his own, baffled by the silly games his schoolmates played. Maybe some serious lab work was exactly what he needed to stimulate that busy brain of his. The day was drawing to a close at St. Cuthbert’s and in his small office Mr Samson was squinting at the year eleven course-work he had to grade by the start of next month. Even when he shielded his eyes from the late afternoon sun, a confused look often remained on his face. His students certainly had a strange idea of History. When the deputy-headmaster saw Applewhite at his door, smiling in that slightly superior way of his, he was more than willing to be distracted. ‘Sir?’ ‘Yes, Applewhite, can I help?’ Danny took a deep breath. ‘It’s something of immediate importance, Mr Samson, that will affect the whole school for the next few days.’ ‘You better tell me what’s happening.’ Danny went on to explain the results of his lunchtime research. He had received advanced warning, the bewildered Samson was told, that the internet was to be shut down from midnight on the 31st of March until midday on the 1st of April. Why? Because of essential cleaning work. Apparently all those e-mails he had been sending concerning school discipline, all those catch-ups with relatives in Australia, had in some small way contributed to a global cyberspace that was now completely full up with invisible junk. ‘But who’ll do this job?’ asked the deeply confused, heavily bearded teacher, ‘You, Applewhite?’ Danny gave a brief laugh. ‘No sir, not me. An international team of scientists has developed five very special, highly efficient internet robots. They’ll be smuggled onto the net inside special data packages.’ Sometimes Mr Samson would like to have been smuggled back into the past, a place he knew and taught so well. He often imagined living as a medieval knight or simple farmer somewhere. Now was such an occasion. He thought for a moment then said: ‘I better send an email to warn –‘ But Danny interrupted. ‘Best not to sir, more for the robots to clean up. You leave it to me, I’ll tell everyone to shut down the school computers straight away.’ When Danny and Rollo walked to school two days later only one of them was smiling. ‘It’s not fair,’ said Rollo, ‘Without computers I can’t play Drag Racer on-line anymore. I miss my racing friends in China. The boys all make me play football now and my glasses have been broken three times.’ Rollo pointed to the tape that secured the muddy lenses of his glasses in place. ‘Why don’t you do something useful, Rollo – read a book. I’ve read six since the computers were off.’ April the first, how Danny loved this date. This time last year he had spread a rumour around the school that it was a non-uniform day at St Cuthbert’s. All his foolish schoolmates had been punished for their appearance. And some of the fashions! Rollo had dressed in a ripped black T-shirt and worn an earring! Why couldn’t they all accept that the best way to dress was in a well-ironed shirt and tie, like him? Danny’s first surprise of the day came at the school gates when Lucy Lang, captain of the girls’ football team, deflected a ball towards them. ‘Hey, kick it back then. We’ve got a game to finish here,’ she yelled. Despite his damaged glasses and the innocent expression on Lucy’s face, Rollo sensed that something wasn’t right. Turning to his friend he quickly warned him not to touch the ball. ‘Don’t be daft, Rollo, it’s a stupid game but I still know how to play it. Watch this – I’m aiming for the roof of the arts block.’ Although Danny’s technique matched his ambition and his shoelaces struck the ball dead centre, what happened next is rarely seen in the professional game. As foot met leather an explosion occurred that left Danny’s entire right side covered in a sticky yellow substance – a thick and gloopy custard fresh (but not very) from the school’s infamous canteen. ‘April fool!’ shouted Lucy at the top of his voice. Danny didn’t mind the custard but he’d never been called a fool before. Somehow he had also lost his watch. It was only a cheap one but it wasn’t like him to lose things so easily. He glared up at the school clock – 9am. Three hours to go. Danny regained his cool. After all, he would have the last laugh minutes before the midday deadline when, according to the rules, any person still fooling others became the fool. By the 11 o’clock break Danny was feeling much better. Mr Samson was walking towards him across the yard, and he suspected he was about to learn his excellent History grade. ‘Dreadful work, Applewhite, really amateurish, I’m going to have to give you extra assignments.’ Like Lucy’s, these were words Danny had not heard before and he was surprised to find his cheeks were burning red. ‘But sir,’ he protested. Mr Samson winked at Danny as he turned away. ‘April fool’s – you make sure you’re as sharp in person as you are on the page,’ he advised. In seconds Danny proved his sharpness – quickly seeing that Samson was walking directly towards an open drainage hole in the yard. The juniors had been fishing again. ‘Mr Samson! Look out!’ The teacher smiled. ‘You can’t fool me that easily Applewhyyyyyyyyyyy!‘ And he was gone. When Samson opened his eyes he found he was in an underground tunnel, dark and damp. Surprisingly, he felt remarkably content. It would a simpler life down here, he thought, watching a rat watching him, compared to dealing with those strange creatures up above. Danny asked Rollo for the time. There were ten minutes before midday – it was time for his cunning trick to be revealed. A famous writer was speaking to the entire population of St. Cuthbert’s today and everyone was moving into the main hall to hear him read.  Knowing a quick route back-stage, Danny positioned himself behind a thick velvet curtain and peeped out at the rows of uniformed children. The writer looked nervous and Danny sympathized – this crowd could turn nasty at any time. Just as the middle-aged man was getting ready to read, Danny jumped out on stage. ‘Ladies and gentleman!’ he announced. ‘More bad news I’m afraid!’ Some of the younger kids looked scared. At the back the teachers raised their eyebrows. Danny continued: ‘Due to a terrible robot malfunction the internet is closed for another week!’ Danny was laughing so much to himself that he struggled to hear a thin voice addressing him from the third row. ‘No it isn’t Danny. You’re making it up.’ It was Rollo. ‘What?’ Danny turned to the writer, hoping that he might share his exasperated expression. ‘I got a text from my friend Yang in China. They’ve been on the web all week. You’re a liar.’ ‘Rollo, my old friend -‘ ‘And another thing,’ Rollo was holding something up. It was Danny’s watch. ‘It’s ten past twelve and you are the fool!’ ‘Rubbish,’ said Danny, determined to win, ‘what about the school clock? It says five-to-twelve.’ Mr Samson stood up, still wiping away mud from his trip below ground. ‘That was my work Applewhite, I’m afraid – I arranged for the clock to be running 20 minutes fast. Sorry old potato, all part of the fun.’ The whole school was now laughing at Danny. The students who knew about the trick beforehand laughed as long and hard as those who had just found out about it from their friends. Even the famous writer was laughing with the horrible kids and old, bald teachers. Danny decided that when he became an incredibly wealthy businessman he would buy the internet and close it down. But then, looking at Rollo’s infectious smile, he thought he might like to get to know his neighbours, far and wide, first of all. THE END . He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good. Confucius I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty... But I am too busy thinking about myself. Edith Sitwell  Life is a long lesson in humility. James M. Barrie Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend. Jules Renard Modesty is a shining light; it prepares the mind to receive knowledge, and the heart for truth. Madam Guizot I am no more humble than my talents require. Oscar Levant If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. Ted Turner Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion. Kate Reid I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions. Dorothy Day I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. John Locke Strong reasons make strong actions. William Shakespeare Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half. John Wanamaker You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. Norman Douglas Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Thomas Jefferson I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. Thomas Jefferson What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. Vilhjalmur Stefansson Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. Aesop It is very difficult to live among people you love and hold back from offering them advice. Anne Tyler People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. Brendan Francis Ask advice only of your equals. Danish Proverb Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it. Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950), Letters Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present. English Proverb Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. Erica Jong I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. G. K. Chesterton Never give advice unless asked. German Proverb Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. Gordon R. Dickson The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right. Hannah Whitall Smith I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry S Truman   Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble. Sidney J. Harris In giving advice, seek to help, not please your friend. Solon Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. Spanish Proverb Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. Benjamin Franklin To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. Bernard M. Baruch   Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength. Betty Friedan There is no old age. There is, as there always was, just you. Carol Matthau Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you. Cyril Connolly The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in 70 or 80 years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all. Doris Lessing The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. Doug Larson Though it sounds absurd, it is true to say I felt younger at sixty than I felt at twenty. Ellen Glasgow The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. Frank Lloyd Wright Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age. George Burns   I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. George Burns   About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age. Gloria Pitzer   Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken . My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli   It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. Charles Baudelaire Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. Cullen Hightower We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us. Francois de La Rochefoucauld If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. Lyndon B. Johnson I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. Marshall McLuhan If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. Mo Udall Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde The greatest mistake is trying to be more agreeable than you can be. Walter Bagehot When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary. William Wrigley Jr. America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. Arnold Toynbee  There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. Bill Clinton   America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. Bobcat Goldthwaite There's the country of America, which you have to defend, but there's also the idea of America. America is more than just a country, it's an idea. An idea that's supposed to be contagious. Bono There is nothing wrong with America that the faith, love of freedom, intelligence and energy of her citizens cannot cure. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. Frank Zappa England and America are two countries separated by a common language. George Bernard Shaw America is a young country with an old mentality. George Santayana America has never been an empire. We may be the only great power in history that had the chance, and refused – preferring greatness to power and justice to glory. George W. Bush America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. George W. Bush America will never run... And we will always be grateful that liberty has found such brave defenders. George W. Bush In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is. Gertrude Stein   What's right about America is that although we have a mess of problems, we have great capacity - intellect and resources - to do some thing about them. Henry Ford II This is the story of America. Everybody's doing what they think they're supposed to do. Jack Kerouac In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything. Jeffery F. Chamberlain America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy. There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class. Judith Martin, The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. King Edward VIII Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. Cherie Carter-Scott When anger rises, think of the consequences. Confucius If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.' When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods. Epictetus Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last. Greg Evans Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. Henry Ward Beecher Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. Laurence J. Peter Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change. Malcolm X I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry. Maxine Waters My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. Cathy Ladman He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument. Chinese Proverb I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry Use soft words and hard arguments. English Proverb The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. Friedrich Nietzsche   The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion. G. K. Chesterton No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. Jascha Heifetz If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself. Joseph Farrell Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. Josh Billings Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Louis D. Brandeis Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing. Oscar Wilde It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. Pierre Beaumarchais In a heated argument we are apt to lose sight of the truth. Publilius Syrus The argument is at an end. Saint Augustine It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. William G. McAdoo With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plea; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost. William Lloyd Garrison For they are yet ear-kissing arguments. William Shakespeare   [Abstract art is] a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Al Capp Art is the imposing of a pattern on experience, and our aesthetic enjoyment is recognition of the pattern. Alfred North Whitehead Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in. Amy Lowell Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better. Andre Gide Let each man exercise the art he knows. Aristophanes I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none. Ben Shahn So you see, imagination needs moodling - long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. Brenda Ueland I suppose no matter what I'm drawing, there will always be some sort of question in my mind about it. A work of art (even cartoon art)is never really finished; it is abandoned. Brooke McEldowney, I can't criticize what I don't understand. If you want to call this art, you've got the benefit of all my doubts. Charles Rosin, Art is born of the observation and investigation of nature. Cicero Art forms of the past were really considered elitist. Bach did not compose for the masses, neither did Beethoven. It was always for patrons, aristocrats, and royalty. Now we have a sort of democratic version of that, which is to say that the audience is so splintered in its interests. David Cronenberg, Rocketboom, The idea of a mass audience was really an invention of the Industrial Revolution. David Cronenberg, I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. Duke Ellington Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake. E. M. Forster Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before. Edith Wharton Art is on the side of the oppressed. Think before you shudder at the simplistic dictum and its heretical definition of the freedom of art. For if art is freedom of the spirit, how can it exist within the oppressors? Edith Wharton A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world. Edmond de Goncourt Illusions are art, for the feeling person, and it is by art that you live, if you do. Elizabeth Bowen Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything. Eugene Delacroix Art is making something out of nothing and selling it. Frank Zappa I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration. Frida Kahlo Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere. G. K. Chesterton A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright   I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic. Lisa Alther, Kinflicks, Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about. Lynn Johnston A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. Patricia Neal Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives. William James The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. William James   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Bob Hope Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. E. Joseph Cossman A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. John Cage I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful. John Constable Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together. Petrarch When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. R. Buckminster Fuller Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. Albert Einstein   This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop. Alfred Hitchcock   EnglishEver © 2008